Here I Am (9w5d)

I haven't posted much here lately. It still doesn't feel real sometimes, this whole pregnancy thing. I have been so lucky so far-- no morning sickness, just those few days of nausea early on-- and the symptoms I do have aren't all that bad. I'm tired all the time, but I'm an insomniac and often tired anyway. Combine my usual insomnia with a dramatic decrease in caffeine and it's no wonder I'm tired. But pregnancy tired is different from insomnia, different from a lack of caffeine. This is the kind of post-sickness tired where I feel like I'm recovering from something. Not a bad feeling, just... tired. Naps are my friends. Still, as symptoms go, it's been smooth sailing for me. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I turned 42 a few days ago. 42. Crazy number. Sometimes it's hard to even believe I'm this age and pregnant, but I here I am. I keep running over the statistics in my head. I probably shouldn't be here. Pregnant twice in less than a year-- a miracle considering Jay wasn't even here for a few of those months! But here I am. I repeat it like a protective mantra. Maybe I shouldn't be here, but here I am.

I have my second ultrasound in the morning. It's hard, going to these things alone. I know Jay wants to be here and he's doing a great job staying involved and informed from a distance, but it's hard sitting in that waiting room alone. No matter how cheerful and calm I manage to be most of the time, that wait is interminable. It doesn't matter that the news at the end has been mostly good so far-- I want to share it with Jay. And if the news turns out to be bad-- well, no matter how tough I am, I don't want to go through it alone. But, here I am.

I have been lucky. I know that. So I keep hoping for the best (though finding out Jay's upcoming schedule has totally thrown me for a loop, but more on that another day) and reminding myself that I've managed to get here despite my age and fibroids and miscarriages. I got here and maybe I'll stay here. Tomorrow I'll be one day closer to that due date. Hopefully by this time tomorrow I will have a little more reassurance so I can reclaim the cheerful and calm attitude I need to get me through another thirty weeks of feeling like I'm holding my breath.