After celebrating Christmas on Monday, Jay left yesterday to return to Dubai. He was originally given 2 weeks of leave, but was granted an additional 6 days when I ended up with a Cesarean section and wildly high postpartum blood pressure that carried over from the last few weeks of my pregnancy (which is what necessitated the attempted induction that resulted in the Cesarean). I was grateful that Jay was here for Patrick's birth and had nearly three weeks at home even if his command couldn't see fit to give him more leave despite my doctor saying my recovery would be 6 to 8 weeks. (I'll save the eye-rolling and snickering for another post.)
I'm also grateful that I'm recovering more quickly than anticipated. Even my doctor and the nurses were impressed with how well I'm doing. Good thing, eh? Though it wasn't the birth experience I wanted-- and that's something I'm still coming to terms with-- the end result was a very perfect baby. I have no regrets in sticking to my guns and refusing to be induced before Jay came home or for opting to be induced rather than go with a Cesarean section first. The induction was hell on earth and I wouldn't wish that kind of artificially induced pain on anyone, but I'd do it again in a heartbeat if it would work. (Also to be saved for another post: the evils of being induced with Pitocin before a baby is ready to be born.) I'll be analyzing the situation for a long time to come, wondering what I could/should have done differently and whether anything would have made the difference between a natural birth and a Cesarean, but I imagine the disappointment and sense of disconnect will fade in time as I settle into motherhood.
It's hard to believe-- and scary, if I let myself dwell on it-- that I am the sole care provider for a newborn. Me, who had never changed a diaper before this little one came into my life. Even then, I didn't change my first diaper until he was 4 days old. (I spent 4 days in the hospital and was more than willing to let Jay take care of the diaper-changing duties.)
In some ways, the next few months will be worse for Jay. It's hard for me to imagine leaving Patrick for even a day right now, so I can't imagine what this experience is like for Jay. I'm grateful this should (hopefully) be his last deployment. We'll all get through it, somehow. Patrick will do better than either of us, I think-- which is as it should be.
So here I am, a new mother alone with a baby until June (maybe May, but I'm not counting on it), wondering how this all happened and grateful this amazing creature came into my life...
7 comments:
He's incredibly gorgeous, Kristina, whether his birth was touch or not. He looks remarkable.
It does take a long time to get over the disappointment, and it does fade. Acupuncture can help. And some baby osteopathy woudl be great for him after those big pitocin contractions.
They get it so so wrong... but it's hard to step out of the system. I had home births, and my last one, that was meant to be so perfect, still went awry. There just aren't any guarantees.
When youfeel like it, write the story, writer to the hospital (here they say the 'master' of the maternity hospital), talk to him/her about your experience and how you think it hsould have been managed. Some obestetritians never see a normal birth, and assume it all has to be crisis.
AS you can see, I will be ranting along with you, whenever you write about induction!
Keep talking it out, and voice your disappointment, and don't let people dismiss it by telling you to be grateful you've a healthy baby. Of course you are. That doen't change the loss, though.
He's so beautiful though! Those wise, deep eyes!
Happy Christmas xx
tough, not touch, gah!
Thanks, Jo. I have heard the "healthy baby" comment a few times. I'm grateful for many things-- that he's healthy, that Jay was here for the birth-- but that doesn't mean I didn't hope and want a different experience. Sigh.
Thank you for your insight and wisdom!
Funny, I wasn't emotionally tied to any particular birth experience, as long as it went pretty well and I got to hold my baby afterward! But there were other things that did matter to me.
When I was born, I was the first baby at that hospital to room in with my mom! I imagine she didn't have much say in what went on in the delivery room. So get the word out, things can and will change.
Kris - you should voice yourself in the Birth Survey, if you haven't already: http://www.thebirthsurvey.com/. It's a really neat project. My heart was breaking for you as I was reading your FB posts because I know how much a natural birth meant to you. My biggest fear is that I may be headed the same route, as Finn is quite fond of the transverse lie position. Fingers crossed. 4 weeks to go!
Jackie... I will check out the birth survey. And did you say Finn?? Patrick's middle name (one of them) is Finnegan and Jay was thinking of calling him Finn. So strange!
I had coffee with Ashleigh today and told her I feel like I know you through her.
Hang in there. I will keep my fingers crossed for you. The Cesarean itself wasn't so bad and the recovery has been surprisingly quick, but it definitely wasn't what I would have chosen and I hope you have a different experience.
Yep, Finn is what we're fairly certain we're going with. And I know! I saw all of the names you and Jay were considering on the white board at the hospital, and I swear to Jeebuz I have also considered the following: Liam and Henry. What are the odds? So, anyway, I think we're going with Finneus Jude. :-)
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