I Have a Secret (3w5d)

So far, other than Jay (who got to be here this time when I tested!), Sheri is the only one who knows I'm pregnant. Of course, I haven't known myself very long, but by this time last time, I think I had told at least ten people. Plus a few random strangers and coffee baristas. This time is different. I'm holding onto this secret for a little while, I think. Not because I'm worried about something happening (and that is certainly a possibility, given my history), but because I'm rather enjoying carrying this little happy secret around right now.

I don't think I'll be able to keep it to myself too long... I like sharing happy news (even when the happy news must be punctuated with caution). I'm blogging about it here, but it's unlikely anyone who knows me will stop by. (And if you have-- and I haven't yet told you I'm pregnant-- please don't get your feelings hurt!) I'm also copying these blog posts to my main blog, but those blog posts are closed for the moment. Right now, I'm just keeping a record of my experience until I'm ready to share it with the world (or my corner of the world, anyway).

I have an appointment tomorrow to confirm my pregnancy. Which basically means I get to pee for another pregnancy test. But it's the first step to getting my ob/gyn referral. I've been here before... and I'm hoping this time around results in a healthy baby.

According to my calculations, my due date is December 9. A holiday baby, to be sure. That's something to celebrate, right? It's too early for real symptoms (I think?), but I have the tender breasts again this time and a little bit of queasiness every day for the past three days. Every pregnancy is different, they say. So, we'll see. For now, I have a secret that makes me smile.

Here We Go Again... (3w4d)

A faint pink line on one test this morning and the word Pregnant on a digital about an hour ago. It seems I'm pregnant again!



Jay teased me about my obsession with pregnancy tests. Five tests in three days is a bit excessive, especially this early (9, 10 and 11 days past ovulation) and especially for me. It's not really my nature to be so impatient, but I knew this was the month. I just knew. And I wanted reassurance. Faint pink lines are all good and well, but there is no ambiguity about the word Pregnant.



So now we start the process again. Hopefully this time will be our time.

A New Beginning?

Two days... two tests... two very, very (and I do mean very) faint, almost invisible, possibly a trick of the light or my imagination... lines.

Yesterday was 9 days past ovulation and I got impatient and took a test at 6:30 PM even though I knew it was too early to really get a good result. Then I was up early this morning (6:30 AM!) and couldn't go back to sleep until I took another test. This morning's line looked a little more visible, even had a hint of pink to it, but I did a digital test and it rudely said, "Not Pregnant."

So. I'll wait another day. I would say I'll wait two more days, even three, just to be sure. But I know myself. I'll try to wait until tomorrow.

This might be a new beginning for us.

I have hope.

The End (7w4d)

It was an awful, painful, bloody night. When I finally got up this morning (after sleeping off and on and then napping until almost noon), I decided I couldn’t wait until my prenatal appointment tomorrow to find out what I was certain I already knew.

I went to the hospital this afternoon and they confirmed my fear. There was no heartbeat. I knew there wouldn’t be when the silence in the room lingered for almost five minutes. Sunday, they located the heartbeat within a minute. Today, it was as if the doctor was seeking some elusive treasure that was not to be found.

I knew it. And yet, I still hoped.

I go back to the hospital tomorrow for more blood work, to be sure my hormone levels are falling as they should be. I’m fairly certain the worst is over and there won’t be a need for invasive procedures. That’s one small blessing in all this—my body knows what to do once it’s over.

I’m hanging in there. I’m being tough. I’m looking toward the future because there is so much to look forward to and so many good things on the horizon. We’ll try again, when I’m ready. When I’ve healed, inside and out. Maybe next time will be my time.

I have hope.

Waiting in Limbo (7w3d)

I got my hopes up Sunday. I thought that was a good thing, to be reassured. Now, I’m not so sure. I am starting to think I will not be in the ninety-fifth percentile. I’ve been bleeding since my ER visit. Today, it’s been like a regular period, including the heavy cramping.

I’m miserable and I can’t take anything for the pain but Tylenol. I’m scared because I don’t feel pregnant, but I want to believe there’s a chance it will all work out. That chance seems less and less likely as the hours pass.

I know I could go back to the hospital. Probably should, since the bleeding is heavier. But they can’t do anything for me if I’m miscarrying and I don’t have the energy to sit in the waiting room of the ER for hours. It’s scary, this not knowing. But I’m not sure I’m ready to know.

My first prenatal appointment is Thursday. That seems forever away. I’m afraid I won’t be offered the same reassurance I was on Sunday. I’m afraid there won’t be a heartbeat to see.